Last Days in Israel

At the Western Wall in Jerusalem.

As the final night of the trip approaches, I reflect back on what this experience has meant to me. Today, one of the presenters, said, “When you are asked about this trip, you probably won’t be able to really describe it. You might say, ‘it was amazing or life-changing,” but it will be hard to sum up in just one sentence. Well, let me try it in one word…”transformational.”

  

I came on this trip to change my path and along the way I finally found out who I am for the first time in my life. The person G-d chose me to be. For those of you on the trip, you will understand when I say, “I believe I am a Chaim Tov.” Just knowing and accepting who I am for the first time has given me so much clarity and purpose. Knowing why I act the way I do and feel the way I do has opened up my mind and heart to the possibilities of what I could be. Until I figured out who I was, I couldn’t deal with the insecurities and doubt that had burdened me. Now, I understand why I made certain decisions in my life and what things I might do differently in the future. Through this program, I have learned how to tap into the spiritual guide (Torah) that is steering me towards my destiny. 

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I know I was supposed to be inspired by Israel…the place…but the truth is that I was really inspired by the incredible women that I met and connected with during the last 10 days. I learned so much about myself through them and their own personal journeys. My transformation came at their capable, loving, and supportive hands. I don’t know how to thank them for allowing me to be vulnerable and deal with the demons that have haunted me my whole life.

Of course, I have to thank G-d and the JWRP organization for giving me this gift and opportunity to renew my soul and strengthen my resolve. Armed with the tools that so many brilliant people afforded me during this enlightening trip and my new Hebrew name that was given to me on Masada, Liba Tikva (Heart and Hope), I am ready to face my three children and my life at home with an open heart that is ready to learn and live again.

I came to Israel with a broken soul, and I am leaving with a plan to repair and sustain it, surrounded by women who took the time to know me, love me, and cheer me on! Baruch Hashem.

My Moment

Jenny & Cheryl at the Western Wall

This trip was officially named “Momentum” today and it is fitting for the series of events in the last 24 hours that have led to “my moment” on this incredible trip. I came on this journey because I thought I was seeking a new path. Turns out that a new path is just the end result of the true reason I came to Israel. Yesterday, after a presentation on Marriage, I basically felt like I had half a soul. I left on the bus to Tzfat thinking, ‘will I ever be whole again.’ As we made the beautiful journey to the north, the day was filled with miraculous stories around every cobblestone corner. I was feeling weary but tried to enjoy my time in the mystical city hoping it would heal me in some small way…but it didn’t.

Somewhere along the way back to Jerusalem, my roommate, Cheryl, asked me, why are you so stuck? I thought about it. And with great surprise I burst into tears and told her my true reason for coming to Israel for the very first time. I was in pain. I felt broken and alone in the world. My parents long departed and a family that was busy with families of their own for the most part, I wondered whether I could possibly be enough for my children since my divorce almost three years ago. I have invested so much of my time in energy making sure my kids were safe and happy, and that my relationship with their father was ideal, that I didn’t see what toll it was taking on me. And when I finally realized it, I didn’t want to burden anyone with my pain. But last night, I trusted G-d’s plan for me, and with my JWRP sisters and friends by my side, I opened my heart for the first time. 

Mandy & Jenny at Western Wall

I let it all go. I revealed the insecurities and sadness that have been plaguing me since my husband left. When we arrived back at the hotel, I was emotionally exhausted from the day and my longtime friend and JWRP sister, Mandy, saw the defeat in my eyes. We sat down on the bed in my hotel room while she, a woman who I believe is the most amazing mother and friend on the planet, told me all the reasons that I should never doubt myself and for the first time, I heard her and let myself believe. 

It was my spiritual awakening on this trip. And just as I felt the pain begin to fade for the first time in a very long time, the lights literally went dark in the room. Exclamation point. Thanks G-d. Message received.

Lights on now, I am moving forward, ears open, heart open, spirit open. Thank you, G-d, Nili Couzens, Cheryl, and Mandy along with the support of all my JWRP sisters who took the time to know me these past three days. My soul is filling up…fast!

Recharging My Battery

Well after almost 18 hours of travel, I am finally here in Israel for the very first time. As I got off the plane alone and headed to the baggage claim, my Israeli cell phone rang. It was my daughter’s voice, “hi mommy.” Unless she had my phone on redial for the last 18 hours, there is no way she would have known that I was accessible, and yet she did. I was tired and nervously excited to meet up with the JWRP group, but my daughter’s voice reinforced why I made this journey. The purpose of my personal journey is to expose myself to the incredible women around me so that it might give me momentum to find a new path in life.

Today, after a two-hour bus ride from Tel Aviv to Tiberias, Israel, we unpack and settled into the hotel and all gathered to hear a presentation by two very impressive women, Kayla Frankel and Nili Couzens. Each performed the first ice breakers of this life-changing program. I was particularly moved by Nili’s metaphor for the trip which was to think of ourselves as a cell phone battery that needed recharging. And to remember that just because you plug the cell phone in doesn’t mean you are charging it if you are also simultaneously using it.

The point was that women juggle a lot on a daily basis and they feel depleted. I know as a single mother of three young children holding a fulltime job with volunteer commitments that I can feel that I am running on empty. And I got emotional thinking about how I can I recharge my battery when at this very point in my life, I need more than a recharge, but a whole new cell phone. Where do I even begin?

The answer…surrounded by 200 JWRP sisters who live similar lives and inspire me to care about myself. Tonight we talked, we learned, we ate, and we danced. On more than one occasion, I was touched by some kind word or gesture extended to me by unfamiliar and sometimes friendly face. And though I am not completely comfortable with the idea of letting go, I gave it a try and began to recharge my soul.

This blog is not only for me and my JWRP family, but it is for my daughter who will one day learn how important it is to recharge her soul when the time is right. Good night from Leonardo Hotel in Tiberias, Israel. See you tomorrow!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

On the eve of my departure, I am careful to spend quality time with my children. So after a brief stop at the Towson Town Mall to buy myself a brand new pair of walking shoes for my trip, a basketball for my son, Stanley, an Auntie Anne’s pretzel for my son, Henry, and a few fabulous shirts for my daughter, Audrey at Justice, we all headed home. We broke out the Trivial Pursuit, girls versus boys, in a laugh-out-loud, fun-filled afternoon.

Audrey, Stanley, and Henry Dansicker

I seriously enjoy my children. They are so incredibly funny. At age 9, Stanley, is capable of playing adult Trivial Pursuit and get the answers correct 50% of the time. How is that possible? I am 44, and I can never get a question right or at least that is how it feels. My non-competitive, Henry, 11, who really doesn’t like to play the game, participates with such nonchalance. And Auddie, 10, secretly competitive, enjoyed having the benefit of her teammate propelling her to victory.

These are the moments filled with laughter that I will take with me tomorrow as I make my way to Israel. And these are the memories that my children will hold with them when they wake up on Monday morning for the first time in their lives without mommy. Will they miss me? Probably. Will they live happy, productive lives while I am gone? I hope so. The truth is that if I am doing my job right, they should be able to function without me for 10 days. They should have the self-confidence and desire to fly on their own for a few days, just enough time to taste a little freedom from their mommy-guided lives.

So, I am all packed up, new shoes in tow, and READY TO GO! I believe that my children’s  

Rockports!!!!

 

happiness will transcend my presence. You know why? Because they have me in their hearts whether I am sitting next to them at the kitchen table playing a board game, out with my girlfriends on a Saturday night, or in a foreign country finding a way to make their lives better by feeding my soul and bringing a new and improved mommy back to them. I am honored to have this opportunity, not only for myself, but for my children. This is an opportunity for all of us to grow!

JWRP 2014 Israel Here We Come!!

There is a palpable excitement in the air as I get closer to leaving Baltimore for Israel in just THREE short days. I have planned an itinerary for my children, confirmed all play dates and carpools, texts are coming in from close friends and family with well wishes, and colleagues at work are dumping as much as they can on me before I exit the building. It is starting to feel very real. I am going to ISRAEL. I am going to walk in the spirit of those who came before me and define my Jewish experience.

Everyone keeps asking me, "are you getting excited for your trip?" And my answer doesn't come as naturally as I thought it might. I keep thinking...'I am walking away from my life for 10 whole days. Will I be missed? Am I essential to my own life or will it just keep moving on without me? How significant am I to the people in my world.' Well, I guess I am about to find out.

In celebration of our trip to Israel, I opted for a special manicure!

My hope is that I will find a new appreciation for my life and that the ones I love will find a new appreciation for me. I am sure that my kids will flourish without me, but will they begin to understand the significance of my existence in their lives in some small but important way? My colleagues will shuffle the work around until I return, but will they value my contribution when I return more so than they did before I left? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I am hopeful. Hopeful that whatever the answers are, I will be transformed for the better.

One thing I know for sure, my life is about to change. I already feel an awakening in my spirit with the hope of what lies ahead and the meaningful experiences that await me in Israel with my new and amazing JWRP sisters.