My Moment

Jenny & Cheryl at the Western Wall

This trip was officially named “Momentum” today and it is fitting for the series of events in the last 24 hours that have led to “my moment” on this incredible trip. I came on this journey because I thought I was seeking a new path. Turns out that a new path is just the end result of the true reason I came to Israel. Yesterday, after a presentation on Marriage, I basically felt like I had half a soul. I left on the bus to Tzfat thinking, ‘will I ever be whole again.’ As we made the beautiful journey to the north, the day was filled with miraculous stories around every cobblestone corner. I was feeling weary but tried to enjoy my time in the mystical city hoping it would heal me in some small way…but it didn’t.

Somewhere along the way back to Jerusalem, my roommate, Cheryl, asked me, why are you so stuck? I thought about it. And with great surprise I burst into tears and told her my true reason for coming to Israel for the very first time. I was in pain. I felt broken and alone in the world. My parents long departed and a family that was busy with families of their own for the most part, I wondered whether I could possibly be enough for my children since my divorce almost three years ago. I have invested so much of my time in energy making sure my kids were safe and happy, and that my relationship with their father was ideal, that I didn’t see what toll it was taking on me. And when I finally realized it, I didn’t want to burden anyone with my pain. But last night, I trusted G-d’s plan for me, and with my JWRP sisters and friends by my side, I opened my heart for the first time. 

Mandy & Jenny at Western Wall

I let it all go. I revealed the insecurities and sadness that have been plaguing me since my husband left. When we arrived back at the hotel, I was emotionally exhausted from the day and my longtime friend and JWRP sister, Mandy, saw the defeat in my eyes. We sat down on the bed in my hotel room while she, a woman who I believe is the most amazing mother and friend on the planet, told me all the reasons that I should never doubt myself and for the first time, I heard her and let myself believe. 

It was my spiritual awakening on this trip. And just as I felt the pain begin to fade for the first time in a very long time, the lights literally went dark in the room. Exclamation point. Thanks G-d. Message received.

Lights on now, I am moving forward, ears open, heart open, spirit open. Thank you, G-d, Nili Couzens, Cheryl, and Mandy along with the support of all my JWRP sisters who took the time to know me these past three days. My soul is filling up…fast!